Happy Birthday Bekka!
by translucent-darling
Summary: Will the crew be able to distract Bekka while they set up a surprise party? Why is there a reporter? Is he really a pizza guy? What is Tyr doing on board? Who is Rommie's love interest? Read and find out!


Happy Birthday Bekka!  
  
A Helpful Summary (because you won't be able to understand the story without it): It's Bekka Valentine's birthday, and the crew members of the Andromeda have decided to throw her a surprise party. They have ordered a pizza, but the pizza guy had to come in disguise (of COURSE), so every crew member will have to endure an "interview" given by a fake reporter. Will they be able to distract Bekka while they set up the party? What is Tyr doing on board? Who is Rommie's love interest? Find it all out in my very special, spoofalific episode of Andromeda!!! (Note: In a nutshell, this fic will describe each main character, from my, um, very INTERESTING point of veiw. I am not bashing the show! I actually like the show. I just think there are a few too many clichés.) Read on!  
  
Scene: Main deck of the Andromeda. As usual, the ship is drifting around in some unknown galaxy. Entire crew is (okay, sorry, just our six heroes- all of the other nice little crew members are slaving down in the bowels of the ship as usual) standing around, aimlessly punching at various keyboards and control panels. Every few seconds, a very LOUD beeping, whistling, or whirring noise can be heard. See? This is just like watching the show!  
  
(Camera zooms in on Bekka, who is wearing a black shirt filled with holes. In all the right places.)  
  
Bekka (glaring around): It's my birthday. Haven't ANY of you remembered?  
  
Harper: Bekka, of course we've remembered! We always remember, uh.don't you REMEMBER??? Okay, that was soooo lame. But I'm here for comic relief!  
  
Trance: My regards. You grow wiser every day, Bekka.  
  
Harper: Yeah, and more bee-you-tee-full!!! My regards, too!  
  
Bekka: Oh, Harper, you're so sweet!  
  
(Camera zooms in on Harper, whose hair is impeccably spiked.)  
  
Harper (blushing and fiddling with his control panel): My pleasure. Oh. There he is!  
  
Trance: Oooh, there's the pizza delivery man! I mean, the reporter!  
  
(Camera zooms in on left doorway.)  
  
ENTER Allegedly Anonymous "Reporter" (from anonymous television network from anonymous world from anonymous country from anonymous city- yeah, right!!!). He is medium in stature; wears a matching white shirt, pants, and hat. along with a red apron; has several large spots on his forehead; and carries various electronic equipment, along with a large, white square box.  
  
(Camera zooms in on the box, and black writing is revealed: Dominoes.)  
  
(Allegedly Anonymous "Reporter" moves the box behind his back, then discreetly passes it to Dylan, who hides it beneath his control panel.)  
  
Allegedly Anonymous "Reporter" (holds up microphone and mini camcorder, then adjusts headset): Roger? Can you hear me now? Good. Roger? Good.  
  
Bekka: Who's this bastard?!  
  
Harper: It's the press. We were expecting them, REMEMBER, Trance? (He winks at Trance.)  
  
Bekka: Noooo, we weren't.  
  
Trance (surprised): What, Harper? Oh! Yeah, the press. Beks, this is. Mr. uh.  
  
Allegedly Anonymous "Reporter": Um, I can't disclose that informa.  
  
Harper: REMEMBER??  
  
Allegedly Anonymous "Reporter": Oh, yes. I am, er, Reporter. um.Jones. Reporter Joe Jones. Yes. I am here to, um, deliver the pizz- I mean, er, interview you on your, er, mission.  
  
(Camera zooms in on Bekka, who has her, um, blaster-ray-thing ready.)  
  
"Reporter" Jones: Aahhggg! Don't point that thing at me, ya hear?!  
  
Bekka: Our mission is top-secret, Dylan! Get this bastard out of here!  
  
"Reporter" Jones: Ex-CUSE me???!!!! I fly all the way up here? Where's my tip??!!!  
  
(Zoom in on Harper, who looks extremely worried..)  
  
Harper (to Jones): Just ignore her. she's, ummm, pre-menopausal! Yeah, that's it! Pre-menopausal!  
  
(Trance and Rommie stare at Harper)  
  
Trance: Do you even know what "menopausal" means, Harper?  
  
Rommie: Huh? She's only turning, hey, how old are you today, Bekka?  
  
Trance: She is ageless, remember? Just like me.  
  
(Zoom to Bekka and Dylan.)  
  
(Bekka is staring at Dylan)  
  
Bekka: Our mission! Remember, Dylan? Remember your promise to me?  
  
Dylan: MY mission is not top-secret anymore! We are going to free the Commonwealth! It must be known to all!  
  
(Zoom in on Tyr, who has been standing all alone in the corner. He is wearing a chainmail shirt and leather pants. And, oddly enough, a pair of Roos in Laker colors.)  
  
Tyr: Hear, hear!  
  
(Andromeda Crew and Reporter Jones turn around to face Tyr)  
  
Crew and Jones: What are YOU doing here, you bastard?!!!  
  
Tyr: Uh, I'm third in the credits, remember? I'm part of the team!  
  
Crew: Not anymore!!!!! You were cut this season!  
  
Tyr: Huh?  
  
Crew: You betrayed us all!!  
  
Dylan: You betrayed me!  
  
Bekka (crying): You betrayed me!  
  
Harper: Good riddance!  
  
Trance: You betrayer, you!  
  
Harper: You big mean bully, you!  
  
Rommie: You joined The Young and the Restless!  
  
All: How COULD you?!  
  
(Zoom in on Tyr's nervous yet gorgeous large brown eyes.)  
  
Tyr: Well, uhh, first of all, I wanted more women. You just weren't putting out, Bekka. And Trance, well, you used to be purple, but now you're golden. It just got too confusing. And Rommie. you're so damn hot, but you're a robot, and my Knee-Chin religion forbids me to date robots. On Y&R there are lots of babes, and they all want me! And the other thing is, Dylan always argued with me, and it created such a, well, tense atmosphere. I'm sorry I had to betray you.  
  
Bekka: Well, that makes sense. I forgive you. (She throws her arms around Tyr's neck, and they begin to make out.)  
  
Dylan: Well, what can I say. Friends again? (Tyr and Bekka stop making out and Dylan claps Tyr on the back.)  
  
Tyr (hitting Dylan back, so hard that Dylan flies across the room and hits the opposite wall): Friends again!  
  
(Pan to opposite wall.)  
  
Trance (rushes over to where Dylan lies unconscious, and checks his pulse): Dylan!  
  
Dylan (standing and dusting off his jacket): I'm okay, I'm okay!  
  
(Trance, Harper, and Rommie cheer)  
  
(Zoom in on Rommie, who is looking even skinnier than usual, but just as lovely as ever.)  
  
Rommie (to Trance): Shouldn't we get on with the "interview"? (She does quotation fingers.)  
  
Trance: Oh, right. (She walks over to Reporter Jones, and whispers in his ear.)  
  
(Camera zooms in on Trance, who is wearing a very low-cut jumpsuit. Audience can hear her words.)  
  
Trance (in a whisper): Take a long time interviewing Bekka, all right? We'll put together the party while you keep her busy.  
  
"Reporter" Jones (nodding, and staring at Trance's boobs): Yeah. Yeah, the interview. Yeah.  
  
(Camera now focuses on Harper)  
  
Harper: Hey, what's up with this?? (Points to Tyr, who is, again, making out with Bekka.) I never said it was okay for big muscle-man to show up! He was never nice to me!  
  
Tyr: You're a little annoying squirt, as always.  
  
Harper: Hey, pick on someone your own size, will ya? And get your hands off my girl!  
  
(Zoom in on Jones.)  
  
"Reporter" Jones (looking apprehensive): Hey, let's get on with the interview. Dylan, let's have you go first, since you seem to be in charge.  
  
Dylan: Hey! I give the orders around here!  
  
Reporter Jones (wearily): I apologize.  
  
Dylan: Let's do me first.  
  
Reporter Jones (muttering): Like I just said.  
  
Dylan: I heard that!  
  
Reporter Jones: Sorry.  
  
Rommie (impatient): Can we just, like, GET ON WITH IT????!!!!  
  
Tyr (stops making out with Bekka and pushes her away): Yeah!  
  
Reporter Jones: Yes. (Points microphone and camera towards Dylan.) Dylan Hunt, ah, I'm gonna ask you a few questions. But first, um, please describe yourself in a few words.  
  
(Camera zooms in on Dylan, and focuses on his noble, manly face.)  
  
Dylan: I am the Champion of the World. I used to be Hercules, but the future has caught up with me, and I cut my hair, donned Trekkie garb, and became Captain Dylan Hunt, savior of the Commonwealth, officer of the Andromeda, leader of all humankind.  
  
Harper: Shut up, will ya? Let a little guy get a word in!  
  
Tyr: Uhrg! (growling, he slugs Harper in the stomach)  
  
(Zoom in on Harper, who is now in excruciating pain.)  
  
Harper: Aaauuggghh!!! That hurt! Omigod, the eggs are multiplying! Eeeee!  
  
"Reporter" Jones: Jesus Christ. it'll be great when I get to tell my friends about this one.  
  
(Zoom in on Rommie, trying to change the subject.)  
  
Rommie: I like pizza. Oops, shouldn't have said that. forget you ever heard that, Bekka. Hey, let's do something new with your hair! Because it's your birthday. (She grabs Bekka by the head, and starts to fiddle with her hair.)  
  
(Pan to Dylan, who looks handsomely bored.)  
  
Dylan: Back to what I was saying.  
  
(Pan to Bekka and Rommie. Bekka is quickly shaking her head.)  
  
Bekka: Look, my hair changes color! (Her hair is now green.)  
  
Rommie: Mine too! (Her hair is now purple and yellow.)  
  
Dylan: Hey, Rommie! You like the Lakers too?? (Camera zooms in on Trance.)  
  
Trance: I sense a presence.  
  
(There is now a very loud sound of static coming from the ship's computer screen.)  
  
ENTER Hot Chick:  
  
(Well, at least on the computer screen.)  
  
(Zoom in on Hot Chick, who is a hot chick with big hair and a tight, studded leather dress.)  
  
Hot Chick: I am an evil princess from another galaxy. I seek your audience, Dylan Hunt.  
  
Rommie: We identify you as.  
  
Dylan (staring openmouthed at the screen): A hot chick! Whoa! Yikes! Hot diggitty! God dang! Hoo yeah baby!!!!!  
  
Andromeda, on screen: Unidentified fleet detected, coming through the slipstream at... 2930129 IU -sd23092 =df eiro eini! 2308293n 349 0001 0110 dsru eruh v awomqp, e=\=0--2323 33..... (stupid technical blabber)  
  
Dylan (not understanding): Word???  
  
Andromeda/ Rommie: We are being invaded! Engage long-range weapons!  
  
(Zoom in on Jones, who looks frightened.)  
  
"Reporter" Jones: Uh-oh, is this my cue to leave?  
  
Tyr (slugs Jones in the jaw): NO.  
  
(Pan to Trance.)  
  
Trance: It's all a trick. It's a trick! A mirage in our minds.  
  
(Pan to Harper.)  
  
Harper: Actually, it has been identified as a worm virus which has invaded our entire system. I'm sorry, Rommie. You are scheduled to blow to smithereens. NOW!  
  
(Pan to Bekka.)  
  
Bekka: Noooo! (grabbing Dylan by the shoulders) Do something!  
  
(Pan to Trance, who is now holding a bonsai tree and a pair of scissors.)  
  
Trance: Let me explore the possibilities.  
  
(Pan to Dylan, who is drooling.)  
  
Dylan: Wow, that is one hot chick! I don't care if she's our enemy! I'm gonna shag her like there's no tomo-  
  
(Zoom in on Harper, who is furiously making calculations.)  
  
Harper: I think I'm getting it. yes, yes! It was a virus in the system. I destroyed it. (He looks up at everyone.) There was no enemy fleet. There was no- (he sees the Hot Chick)- hey, who's that babe?!  
  
Trance: She's an evil princess. Ignore her.  
  
Harper: Alright. she's not that pretty, anyway. No one is as pretty as you, Trance.  
  
Trance: Oh, you saved the Andromeda, Harper! And you said I was pretty! I looove you!  
  
(Harper and Trance start to make out.)  
  
(Zoom to Rommie, who looks disgusted.)  
  
Rommie: Can you say "eww"?  
  
(Zoom in on Jones.)  
  
"Reporter" Jones: Hey, guys! I guess the show must go on! Um, Dylan? Interview? (He looks up at Tyr, whose fist is raised inches above his nose.) Oh, you wanna go instead of Dylan? Mr..  
  
(Zoom in on Tyr, who flexes his biceps, triceps, and pecs, all at the same time.)  
  
(BEAT.)  
  
Tyr: Anasazi.  
  
Reporter Jones: Alright folks, this gentleman is Tyr Anasazi, who-  
  
Tyr (grabbing the camera from Jones and pointing it at himself): Yo yo yo, what up in the hood. Man. I am brooding and depressed most of the time. I had a Troubled Past, and it's mostly troubling because of all the girlfriends who I've left in various places (and time zones, heh heh) in the universe. I have a couple kids. I think. I used to be Dylan's bestest bud, Bekka's friend-with-benefits, and Harper's arch-nemesis, but now I am a Bad Guy and EVERYONE'S arch-nemesis- ha ha ha! As you should have immediately realized after seeing my buff bod, I am a Knee-Chin. You are absolutely right, I can't spell, but who cares- I'm smokin' hot!!!! That's all that matters, because I can't do much except throw punches and give people that soulful, I-wish-I-hadn't-ever-auditioned-for-The-Yong-And-The- Restless look. Anyhoo, I am totally huge and ripped, and I usually wear revealing chainmail tank tops, which are expertly designed in order to show off my biceps, each of which is approximately the size of one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Hummers. Boy, am I steaming, from my fist-claw thingy, to my hundreds of long, expensive braided hairpieces. I don't talk much, and nor do I provide comic relief. But I get to be a random love interest in practically half of the shows.  
  
Rommie (astonished): Holy crap, Tyr! I've never heard you talk that much!  
  
Tyr (flashing a pearly white smile): I guess it comes from the soaps, baby.  
  
Bekka: And your teeth!  
  
Tyr: Oh, Crest Night Effects.  
  
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To Be Continued! 


End file.
